Squidward's High School Reunion
by Skymouth
Summary: Squidward wants to impress his old high school cohorts at his reunion. How can Spongebob help? Slightly slashy, a bit more so at the end! Squid angst!


Squidward's High School Reunion

By Brenna "Snakelady" Dawkins

A Spongebob Squarepant's Fanfic

Disclaimer: Owned by United Plankton Pictures and Nickelodeon Studios. I own nothing. Nothing I tell you! No money was made from this fic.

Rating: PG13 for some language and sexual situations

Summary: Squidward wants to impress his old high school cohorts at his reunion. How can Spongebob help? Slightly slashy, a bit more so at the end! Squid angst!

(Author's note: My first Spongebob fic! Yes, beware, there be slash beyond, me maity, ar-r-r-r-r! Not a lot, mind you, but--- You may blame my sick and demented friend Desensitized for implanting the Squidward/Spongebob seed in my sick and demented brain. So read on, if you dare! I tried to keep most of it sounding like a typical episode. I took some liberties with Squidward's past.)

Spongebob opened his mail with excited fervor. He wasn't expecting anything, he just always opened his mail like it was Christmas morning.

"Oh boy! My invitation to my high school reunion!" He held the invitation out, barely containing his joy. "Funny thing since I never went to high school." He glanced at the name on the invitation, "Funny thing how they have Squidward's name in place of my name there."

He hummed a happy tune as he jauntily strode over to his favorite neighbor's house and knocked on the door. He kept on knocking as he stared at the letter.

Squidward stomped to his door, his mood incessantly sour. He already knew who he would find at his door and his mood darkened. Why couldn't that moron ever take a hint and just leave him alone? He opened the door and almost got clonked in the head by Spongebob's continuous knocking.

"Hey, Barnacle Brain, I'm right here! Now go away!"

"Oh, hey, Squidward! Guess what? I got invited to your high school reunion! Cool, huh?" The sponge gushed and shoved the invitation into Squidward's face.

Squidward glared at the offending paper then his eyes widened, "You imbecile, this is MY invitation mailed to your house by mistake!"

"You mean I can't go to your reunion after all?" Spongebob's eyes widened and became teary-eyed; his bottom lip trembled in disappointment.

"NO!" Squidward said rather forcefully, snatched his invitation out of the sponge's hand and slammed the door shut in his neighbor's face. Squidward walked over to his chair and heavily sat down, staring at his letter glumly. "Great. Just what I need."

After high school, he had always been looking forward to his reunion. If only so he could show up and shock everyone with how much of a success he had become since that depressing time. He had hated high school and hated all his fellow classmates and they summarily hated him. His one spot of hope had been to outshine them all at their ten-year reunion. But look at him--- he had nothing, was nothing. He worked at Krusty Krab, lived alone, was a failure at all his artistic endeavors, and had no friends. He hated his life with a passion and the people he unfortunately was forced to share it with.

Why should he go back there? See those people he hated, who hated him? He had failed at everything else in his life, what was failing at one more thing, like not showing up at all?

He clenched the paper in his tentacle and it crumbled in his frustration. Why couldn't he win just once? Make jaws drop in awe at his greatness? Who said this one more time had to end up as failure? He knew he still had the potential to really shine if only he was able to catch that one break!

His mood brightened somewhat at his internal pep talk. The only problem was, nothing came to mind with how he could show everybody else up at the reunion.

Someone was knocking at his door again and he heaved himself out of his chair, annoyed at the interruption. He opened the door and Spongebob was still there, his lip was still trembling and he was still giving him those sad puppy dog eyes. He probably hadn't moved at all.

"WHAT?" Squidward demanded.

"Can't I go to your reunion?"

"NO!" Squidward slammed the door in Spongebob's face once more.

He made it halfway across the floor when the knocking started again. Squidward gritted his teeth. He did his best to ignore it and picked up a magazine. But reading it was one thing as the knocking persisted. It beat into his brain and he tensed in response.

Annoyed, he shot up and stormed across towards the door again. He flung it open. Spongebob was still there, lip trembling, sad eyes wide.

"Please?"

"NO! Now leave me alone!" He slammed the door shut once more.

He waltzed into his kitchen angrily to get himself a drink. He filled his glass at the sink and grabbed some aspirin. Another migraine threatened his sanity. Having Spongebob about did nothing to help either.

He popped the pills and gulped some water.

Spongebob appeared suddenly at the window above the sink with trembling lip and eyes still wide as saucers.

"Please?" The sponge pleaded once more.

Startled, Squidward nearly choked on his drink and ended up spitting it out.

"NO!" He spluttered fully agitated. Slamming the glass down on the counter, he stomped out of the kitchen.

He had to calm his nerves so he went upstairs to have himself a shower and try to think things out. Under the warm water, his headache started to feel a bit better and he was able to relax. Once he was soaped up, he was starting to feel much more relaxed and sighed. He felt almost pleasant.

The phone rang, as it always did when one was in the shower. Grumbling, Squidward turned off the water and stepped out. He wrapped a towel about his waist and trotted over to the phone in his room.

"Hello?" He didn't hide his irritation at being interrupted.

"Please?" It was Spongebob on the other end.

The octopus ground his teeth, "NO!" He shouted into the receiver and slammed it back into the cradle.

The headache was back. He rubbed his forehead and felt sorry for himself. Why was he cursed with such a lame neighbor? He trudged back to the bathroom and leaned against the sink, staring into the fogged up mirror. His towel hung slack and threatened to slip off his non-existent hips.

He tried to pinpoint what it was about Spongebob that made him feel so uptight. No one else wound him up quite like that idiotic sea sponge. Okay, maybe Patrick, but still, it was Spongebob who made his teeth hurt and brain ache. Why? Why did he let the imbecile get to him all the time?

'Come on', he thought to himself distractedly. 'How can I impress people? There's gotta be something I can do!'

When he woke up the next day, he still was without a clue as to how. So he picked up Clara and began to play, hoping that would help things. Broken notes and warped cords assaulted his living space. It was a challenge to play a clarinet without any fingers to speak of. It was the only thing he could truly be proud of, the only thing that no one could take away from him. But that wasn't going to impress those scabby kelp-feeders at his reunion.

Of course, it didn't impress him too terribly much either. At the moment, it was only a hobby and nothing worthy of much notice, except for the simple fact it was one of the few things that gave him pleasure in his miserable life.

Then a thought finally floated through the haze of wounded song. What if he could convince those morons at the reunion that he was something he wasn't? Happy and successful? But how? And he thought some more to the tune of nothing. A woman. A beautiful woman. A wife? A lover?

And where, under the sea, was he going to find one? Least of all, one that was willing to be with him? One to hang on his arm and stare adoringly at him and no one else? Anyway, what made him think he could find one in time for the damned reunion? He'd yet to have found one after all this time. He racked his brain again. Who did he know that he could talk into playing the part? Sandy? No, an air breather wouldn't work. And besides, she'd probably hurt him if he asked her. Mrs. Puff? Hardly beauty queen material. Pearl? Yeah, right. Mr. Krab's would have his head on the mantle if he tried that angle. And there he had it. He'd run out of his list of females to choose from. He stopped playing Clara. Well, so much for that idea.

It was hopeless. He wasn't happy. He wasn't successful. He was a lonely squid stuck in a nowhere life. No woman would want anything to do with him. He might as well resign himself to that sad fact.

A knock sounded on his door again. He considered not answering it but knew better. That never clued in his clueless neighbor.

Grumbling to himself, he strode to his door already knowing what he'd find. When he opened it, he wasn't surprised at all even with Patrick now at Spongebob's side.

"Please?" Spongebob had both hands clasped and he was nearly trembling.

"With a cherry on top?" Patrick pleaded beside the yellow sponge.

Scowling, Squidward took note of the literal meaning of the stupid starfish. The idiot did indeed have a cherry balancing on top of his pointy-head.

"Why do you want to come?" Squidward wanted to know, feeling worn down by the stooge's antics.

Spongebob beamed, "Because we're your friends!"

Squidward sighed heavily. He wanted to know why. He knew he had no friends, so why did Spongebob insist otherwise? But it wasn't a question he could exactly ask the dumb sponge.

"We can even help you look cool for your reunion! Please?" Spongebob begged.

"Yeah! Please?" Patrick repeated empty-headedly.

Squidward eyed them both suspiciously, "Yeah? How?"

Grinning, Spongebob whipped a big book from his pants. Squidward tried to ignore his curiosity as to how the sponge could have concealed that there.

"Why in 'Mr. Cool's Big Book of Cool!' of course!" Spongebob said as if it was the most logical sense of logic. "Everything you need to know about how to be cool is to be found within these hallowed pages!"

"Wo—o-o-ow!" Patrick exclaimed in awe while Squidward scowled uncertainly.

"First thing--- hair. Oh------ dear." Spongebob took note of Squidward's lack.

That brought a burning glare from Squidward. "What about it?"

"You need some. In order to be cool. Hm-mm." Spongebob put his finger up to his chin and thought hard.

Squidward folded his arms in irritation. This was ridiculous. Why'd he bother to let Spongebob inside his house anyway? Well, if he thought for a moment the imbecile could pull it off--- hmmmm, what if he could? He himself was at a loss for what to do. If he let Spongebob help him, maybe his annoying neighbor would let him alone after--- yeah, right.

"Ah-HAH!" Spongebob ran outside, was gone for a moment, then was back with a handful of seaweed. He plopped the soggy stuff on top of the octopus's head.

"Wow, he's looking cool already!" Patrick exclaimed, bedazzled.

Squidward blinked. "Uh-h-hm."

Patrick jumped up and down excitedly and pleaded, "What's next? What's next? O-o—o—oo-! Tell me!"

Spongebob read the page and a smile spread across his face, "Clothes. They make the squid, after all!"

Patrick laughed excitedly.

Spongebob shook his head and tsked at Squidward. "You can't wear that old thing."

"Why not? I like this shirt!" Squidward growled.

Spongebob sighed and shook his head again sadly. "You wanna look cool, don't you?"

Moments passed and soon enough Squidward found himself sporting a new white disco jacket and gold chains hanging from his neck.

"Ah-h-h-h-u-um." Squidward muttered uncertainly.

"What's next?" Patrick asked excitedly of Spongebob.

Spongebob's finger raised up in the air over the book, poised to strike upon the next thing on the cool list. It fell with a trail of bubbles in its wake and landed on cool tip number three. "O-o-o-o! Cool!" Spongebob gushed.

"What? WHAT?" Patrick could barely contain himself.

Squidward was hunched over in his usual state of melancholy. This was ridiculous!

"No stud can be the ultimate cool without a woman. So, Squidward, where's yours?" Spongebob asked innocently.

Squidward felt deflated. Did the sponge have to bring up THAT sore topic? The octopus just glared at Spongebob, suddenly deciding to give up on the whole escapade, if only to get rid of his neighbors.

"Forget it!" Squidward growled and grabbed the seaweed off his head. He hurled it at Spongebob and it landed on top of the simpleton's head. "This is stupid! I'm not going to that lame reunion and that's that!"

"Oh, come on, Squidward!" Spongebob tried to sound encouraging. Then amazingly he suddenly understood, "Aw, Squidward haven't you EVER had a girl?"

"None of your business!" He responded vehemently. He didn't want to talk about it. "Just get out!"

"Wow, Spongebob, you look good with long hair." Patrick replied.

Spongebob laughed in that irritating way that always grated on Squidward's nerves, "Really?" He caressed his new green locks.

"Get a couple of sea shells and you'll look just like a girl!" Patrick said.

"That's it, Squidward!" Spongebob grabbed the octopus with both hands. "I'll be your date!"

Squidward recoiled, or tried to, the sponge's grip made that difficult. "What? YOU?!?"

Spongebob grinned hugely, "Of course! Anything to help a friend!" The sponge pulled Squidward in and hugged him tightly.

Squidward could only stare across the room at nothing, not used to the sort of physical interaction the sponge adored. He hated the fact that it felt kinda nice to be hugged. Why'd it have to be Spongebob that was hugging him? Angered that his feel-nice feeling was due to the sponge's sweet nature, he shoved the sponge away. He wasn't supposed to feel good. He was beginning to come to grips with that simple fact. Why did his annoying neighbor have to keep reminding him of something he knew he'd never get?

"Cut it out, Spongebob, there's NO WAY I'd take you to my reunion as my date!"

Spongebob laughed and waved one hand in front of him, "That's absurd, I would never think of going as your date!"

Squidward sighed in relief.

"I'll go as your beautiful wife!"

"Spongebella!" Patrick piped up giddily.

"Spongebella!" Spongebob repeated eagerly.

Squidward ground his teeth, knowing he should have seen that one coming. "NO!"

Spongebob was suddenly hanging from Squidward's arm and laughed again. "Oh, come on, honey dumpling! You never take me anywhere anymore!"

Squidward glared down at the sponge then finally relented with all due reluctance. "Just don't call me honey."

"Sure thing, sugar buns!" Spongebob laughed again and hugged a despairing Squidward.

Patrick jumped up and down. "O—o-o-o-o! And I can be your son!"

"NO!" Squidward was adamant.

"Your cousin?" He asked hopefully.

"NO, I said!"

"Cousin twice removed?" Patrick pestered.

"NO!" Squidward ground his teeth again.

"Cousin's roommate's ex-husband?"

"NO!"

"A-W-W-W-W!" The starfish was heartily disappointed.

"You know, we never did go on our honeymoon." Spongebob hugged Squidward some more.

"And I wasn't invited to your wedding!" At that Patrick began to sob loudly.

"You aren't my real wife!" Squidward growled, "Only pretend, and THAT doesn't happen until the reunion! Get away from me!"

"Oh, okay, Mr. Grumpy." Spongebob conceded reluctantly. It was of Spongebob's opinion that Squidward wouldn't be so uptight if only he'd gracefully accept a loving embrace every now and then. And he always hoped that the next time, he'd receive it well.

When they arrived, Squidward was quite ready to turn around and go back home, but Spongebob--- scratch that, Spongebella, wouldn't hear of it. The moment they stepped inside the hotel where the reunion was being held, Spongebob headed towards the buffet table and dragged a heavily scowling Squidward along with him--- her.

Spongebob was dressed in a skirt and took Patrick's advice about the seashells. He wore them strapped across his chest like a mermaid and his seaweed hair was piled up semi-artistically upon his square head. Squidward suffered through this with his disco suite, but refused to wear the gold chains. He stoically followed the bubbly sponge about the affair, trying not to look any one of his classmates in the eyes.

"So, when are you going to introduce me to some of your old school chums?" Spongebob--- er, Sponge-BELLA, wanted to know.

"I never had any friends in high school."

Spongebob gasped. Squidward rolled his eyes. Why should his life be any different now then it was in high school?

"What?" The octopus demanded hotly. "Why would I want to make friends with any of these losers?"

Spongebella looked around the room.

"Isn't that the head quarterback for the Bikini Bottom Raiders?" Spongebella pointed at a hurly-burly guppy.

"Um, yeah, now that you mention it." Squidward said.

"Hey, it's the movie star Sandi Sardina from the multi-million dollar hit film 'A Fish Called Wendy'!" Spongebella burbled.

"U-u-uu-h-uh—"

"WOW!!! It's the millionaire-"

"O-KAY!" Squidward covered his ears to blot out the reminder just how truly successful his classmates had become, while he--- he was left to pretend his freakish neighbor was his wife.

A big fish stepped in front of Squidward and the octopus cringed. "Hello, Gus."

"Hi-yah Knotty." Gus replied, grinning.

"Knotty? How'd you get that name, sweetums?" Spongebella asked as he-she took Squidward's arm.

"I can show you, if you like, my dear." Gus cracked his knuckles, er fins causing Squidward to wince. "Say, how'd a beauty like you end up with this jerk?"

"The name's Spongebella, and he makes me laugh." And Spongebella proceeded to laugh hysterically causing Squidward to look pleadingly up at the heavens.

"Well, if you ever want to dump this loser for a chairman of the board for Chum Enterprises---"Gus tickled Spongebella under his-her chin and the sponge giggled coyly.

Squidward heaved a sigh of relief when Gus left his limbs un-assulted. How many times did he have to go to the nurses office to get two or more of his limbs untied no thanks to Gus's keen understanding of sailor knots?

"Wasn't that fun? Can we go now?" Squidward asked clearly not having any fun at all.

But Spongebella held on tightly to Squidward's arm, "Uh-u-u-u-uh! That really was fun! I wanna meet more of your classmates!"

"Please, Spongebob--- um, Bella-"

Spongebella batted his-her eyes up at Squidward and then proceeded to drag the octopus over to a group of fish who were standing about talking. Once there, Spongebella kept a tight hold of Squidward's 'hand'.

Squidward wanted to run, but he was detained by the sponge's grip. It left him feeling very weird having to stand there in public holding Spongebob's hand. This constant physical contact had made him squeamish at first, but now, he thought it wasn't really that bad. And it wasn't like anyone KNEW his lovely wife was Spongebob.

"Hi, Squidward's classmates!" Spongebella greeted them all hugely while Squidward hung back best he could.

"Squidward? Squidward Tentacles?" A woman in the circle said.

"Um, yeah?" Squidward said meekly.

Then she whispered quickly into her friends ears to which they all guffawed wildly and pointed at a very unhappy Squidward.

"That's the guy who asked me out for the prom, remember? And he had that UGLY tux!" She laughed while pointing at a mortified octopus.

"And didn't he have a face full of zits?" Another girl chortled.

"Yes! And his mother was going to drop us off and pick us up again! Can you IMAGINE!" The first girl who had spoken quivered with laughter.

"So THAT'S the one who chased after you all those years!" Another girl said.

They all broke out into maniacal fits of laughter once more.

Squidward wanted to dissolve right then and there. Cheryl. The one girl at school he'd truly been in love with. He'd run after her so many times and every time she'd turn him down. But he had never given up. All throughout high school, every dance, every football game, he would ask her. It got to the point where she'd actually laugh at him. He felt his hand get squeezed by the sponge's and he absently returned the gesture for comfort.

"Don't you laugh at my man!" Spongebella responded crossly.

Squidward blinked in surprise.

"Oh look, he's got a little wife. Where'd you find her, under a rock?" Cheryl said rudely.

"Hey, my best friend lives under a rock!" Spongebella said in anger.

"He's probably still a virgin too!" Cheryl shrieked wickedly with glee and the other girls joined in the chanting, "Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!"

Spongebob felt his feathers ruffled by their jibing of his friend. An idea popped into his brain. He clutched Squidward affectionately and sidled up even closer to him, "Squid-wums, I WAS saving to tell you this later, but I MUST tell you now. I'm pregnant!"

Squidward stared down at Spongebella dumbly. "Huh?"

Spongebella smiled and leaned into Squidward and took his hand, "Yes, my dear, it's true! I have a bun in the oven! A seed planted by your love grows and shall ferment into a sprout! You manly squid you!"

Squidward was speechless and tried to wrap his brain around that. He tried very hard to remember it was all pretend and not real.

"That--- is going to bear YOUR young?" The girls squealed with laughter once more at the mere thought.

"Don't make fun of the woman I love!" Squidward stepped up to the plate unthinkingly, his blood boiling at the fact that they were laughing at him still. Despite all his effort to look cool.

"Why not?" Cheryl laughed and wiped a tear from her eye, "She's the ugliest thing in heels I've ever seen! And YOU were the biggest heal in school!"

Wild laughter followed her insult. Squidward saw red. He was tired of always being laughed at! Tired of being the big sexless wonder in his entire class! His mind was reeling after suddenly having all his mental baggage dumped back into his conscious. He'd never had a girlfriend before and these people knew it! Well, he'd show them!

He grabbed up a startled Spongebob and drew him in close and planted a big, long kiss on his lips in front of the one girl he used to love. Show her what she missed! That'll make her stop laughing! He pressed hard into the sponge and the sponge played along sensing Squidward's varying needs. Several very long moments passed before Squidward released his 'wife' and gasped for a breath. Spongebella did likewise in front of the now silent onlookers.

"That's what you missed, sweetheart!" Squidward ground out the word 'sweetheart' like it was an insult.

"Then I'm luckier then I originally thought! Come on, girls!"

And the circle of friends turned and left laughing all the while. Squidward stood there hunched over gasping for breath and for what little shred of dignity he could muster. He couldn't handle any more of it. It was worse then he had remembered and he used to think it was really bad. And now that he had been confronted with it once more, he knew it had once been much, much worse and that he must have conveniently forgotten most of it long ago. He felt himself being dragged along by Spongebella. Squidward followed soundlessly, lamenting on how horrible his life really was.

Before he knew it, he was being ushered into their room at the hotel.

"Come on, Squidward, I'll get your pajama's for you, you go do your bathroom business." Spongebob said maternally.

Squidward wasn't of a mind to protest, which told Spongebob just how bad off his friend really was. He was worried. No wonder he hadn't wanted to go in the first place. He felt somewhat responsible for his friends deteriorating mental state.

When Squidward was finished in the restroom, Spongebob entered as the squid left. When he came back out again, he found Squidward curled up on his side in the bed. Spongebob bit his lower lip and hesitated before turning the lights out. He wasn't certain where he'd be sleeping. When they had registered for the room, they'd purposefully gotten one with a single bed since they were posing as a married couple. Now Squidward was huddled up in a tight ball, quiet and reserved. Spongebob hesitated, then decidedly slid silently into bed next to him.

He fully expected Squidward to yell at him for the intrusion into his sleeping space, but there was no vocal protest. So, feeling emboldened, Spongebob snuggled in closer to the depressed squid until he was touching and threw his arm around him. He hugged his friend tightly and was further amazed that there still was no protest.

Squidward was tense, tight as a wound spring. He wanted to die from embarrassment. He was a failure, completely and utterly. Why did he even think that Spongebob of all people could make that night have turned out into a success? Why did he think that anything he set out to accomplish would have turned out into a success? Squidward felt a body snuggle up against him and an arm being thrown around his waist. Under normal circumstances, he'd vehemently protest, but right now, it was actually a welcomed comfort. He'd never had anyone do that for him, instantly be there to make him feel better. Come to think of it, he'd never really known anyone who had cared enough to want to make sure he was feeling better, before Spongebob.

"Squidward?"

Silence.

"Squidward? Are you really a--- you know."

"A virgin?" Squidward sighed remorsefully. Then with a touch of his typical anger, "What do YOU think?"

He felt Spongebob pull him in even tighter and he amazed himself by not protesting to the closeness. He further amazed himself by clasping his hands over Spongebob's. Squidward closed his eyes and sighed heavily.

"I can take care of that for ya, if you want, Squidward."

His eyes flew open at that. "You, Spongebob?" Squidward never would have guessed the sponge swam that way.

"Why do you think Patrick and I spend so much time together?"

Well, when he put it THAT way, it made sense. But it killed him. Even someone as brainless as Patrick was at least getting some while he--- never had it at all. He felt the closeness of the sponge's body pressed into him and sighed again. He considered it. He couldn't believe he considered it.

"Would you mind?" He found himself saying to the idiot sponge. What was he saying? What was he thinking? But his need burned past his fear.

"Anything for a friend, Squidward." The sponge said happily and reached down to Squidward's groin.

The End.... (What, you want more? What sort of a pervert do you think I am? Heheheh!)


End file.
